She Who Only Wears Pink Things

vintage embroidered tablecloth antique wedding dress

“Sleeping Beauty” antique embroidered wedding dress

I have a dress-up box in my daughters’ bedroom, full of treasures collected from my second-hand shopping adventures. There are silk scarves, fur stoles, antique clip-on earrings, hats, gloves and glomesh handbags. The kinds of things I adored as a child and still do.

Unfortunately, both of my daughters are only interested in wearing Disney princess costumes in various shades of glittery pink. Even more worrisome is their tendency to argue over which of them is the prettiest princess. It is going to be a long rest of my life.

I have tried explaining to my girls that in a constitutional monarchy, it is parliment which has the real power. I have told them that in the original version of “The Little Mermaid”, Ariel got her legs, forgot about the prince and walked straight to Just Jeans to buy jorts. I have told them that Sleeping Beauty took the boning out of her corset and used it to make man. However my protests are ignored, and they continue to role-play rescues by a handsome prince, followed by an elaborate, pink fairytale wedding.

Perhaps I am to blame because I make wedding dresses for a living. Perhaps I am to blame for letting my daughters inhale too much nail polish. Perhaps Disney is to blame for continuing to fantasise about an era that never really existed. Is there some kind of support group for parents of princesses?

Recently my daughter Keira, begged me to sew her a Snow White costume. My older daughter Nina, was busy drawing lace-up, princess-style dresses. I then had the idea of designing a wedding dress together.

Based on Nina’s drawings, I made a few dresses from salvaged antique embroidered tablecloths and doilies. Often the centre of the cloth is worn or stained but the embroidery around the edge is pristine. There are countless hours worth of hand-embroidery in these dresses.

antique embroidered vintage tablecloth doily wedding dress

“Sleeping “Beauty” antique embroidered wedding dress

antique embroidered doily tablecloth lace vintage wedding dress

“Sleeping Beauty” hand-embroidered antique wedding dress

 

Antique embroidered tablecloth doily vintage wedding dress

Antique embroidered tablecloth wedding dress

vintage hand embroidery cross stitch antique tablecloth wedding dress

“Sleeping Beauty” antique hand cross-stitch wedding dress

Like the idea of a wedding dress with a history? I have a pile of hand-embroidered tablecloths and doilies, some of which are over 100 years old. Email me at alyssa@kitschbitsch.com.au for a custom order.

Reminder: If you accidentally fart during your wedding ceremony, follow it up with a royal wave, because you are a princess.

That Dolce Gabbana Silk Scarf Dress

Dolce and Gabbana silk scarf maxi dress Spring Summer 2012

Kitsch Bitsch vintage silk scarf off the shoulder maxi dress $287.00

It has been the hottest summer on record in Australia so I have been wearing lightweight, floaty maxi dresses made from natural fibres. I like to wear maxi dresses because it means I don’t have to shave my legs as often. Fellas?

After reading our free DIY silk scarf tunic tutorial, one of my readers sent me a photo of a Dolce & Gabbana scarf dress from their Summer Spring 2012 collection. She asked me to make her a dress from my stash of vintage silk scarves. I excitedly agreed.

I love the clash of vivid colours and bold patterns in this collection:

Dolce Gabbana silk scarf maxi dress Summer Spring 2012

Dolce Gabbana silk scarf maxi Summer Spring 2012 $4300.00

(Why do the models look so sad? Can I give them a glass of full cream milk? Why is everybody wearing sunglasses? Sorry, this is my first fashion show.)

Since I began my scarf-dress project, every night I have been dreaming in technicolour scarves. Sometimes while I am working with the scarves, two colours unite in a fiery moment which makes my heart skip a beat.

Dolce Gabbana strapless silk scarf maxi dress

Kitsch Bitsch custom strapless vintage silk scarf maxi dress

Dolce Gabbana off the shoulder silk scarf maxi dress

Kitsch Bitsch custom vintage silk scarf maxi dress

 

We have two vintage scarf dresses left in our store here.

Dolce & Gabbana silk scarf maxi dress

Kitsch Bitsch vintage silk scarf maxi dress $337.00

The talented Mounir from GFocus Photography took these gorgeous photos of Miss Ana wearing a Kitsch Bitsch vintage silk scarf dress.

Dolce Gabbana silk scarf strapless dress

Kitsch Bitsch vintage silk scarf strapless dress $187.00

I have about 30 vintage silk scarves left in my vault, which is only enough to make a few more dresses. So if you missed out on a dress in our store, quickly email me at alyssa@kitschbitsch.com.au for a custom order.

 

Some more Dolce & Gabbana scarf dresses:

Dolce & Gabbana silk scarf dress Summer Spring 2012

Dolce & Gabbana silk scarf dresses Summer Spring 2012

(Season must-have: bulimia)

Dolce Gabanna silk scarf dress Spring Summer 2012

Dolce Gabanna silk scarf dress Spring Summer 2012

I’m off to pick up my kids from school now, wearing my silk scarf dress and lipstick, because this is about as fancy as my life gets.

Free Pattern: 10 minute DIY Vintage Silk Scarf Tunic

free pattern DIY vintage silk scarf top dress

free pattern DIY vintage silk scarf tunic top dress

I have purchased hundreds of silk scarves over the years, I can’t seem to resist a gorgeous piece of silk for a couple of dollars in a charity store. Despite my French ancestry, I have absolutely no idea how to wear a scarf. I end up using them to quickly catch the snot dripping from my 4-year-old’s nose (which by the way, is the definition of unconditional love).

I decided to put my silk scarves to better use by refashioning them into a tunic. This tutorial has been designed for beginners and takes only 10 minutes. Which is handy if, like me, everything takes longer than your attention span.

The idea for this tunic was conceived from my mildly perverse obsession with ABBA (hello 1975 I am available for immediate kidnapping).

DIY ABBA style tunic

Before Viagra there was Agnetha and Anni-Frid wearing thigh-high boots with tunics. Or Björn and Benny wearing jumpsuits, whatever your preference, hey I’m not here to judge.

The larger your scarves, the longer your tunic will be. I recommend your hemline be at least a few centimetres below your cellulite. Otherwise you can wear it as a top over jeans.

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Sometimes Dancing Queen comes on the radio and maybe you dance a little bit in front of the mirror. Don’t fight it.

 

Nostalgia and other psychoses

Is it a twinge of the heart or a wistful sigh? Perhaps it is a sentimental longing for the past. Don Draper in Mad Men translates the word “nostalgia” from Greek as meaning “the pain from an old wound”.

Like Don Draper, I use nostalgia to sell things. Nostalgia is what helps me to make that important visceral connection with my customers.

 

 

I began collecting vintage dresses in the 1990’s, the most boring decade of fashion ever inflicted on humanity. Minimalism was popular; the colour beige, Jennifer Anniston hair, an absence of belts and accessories. Instead I filled my wardrobe with vibrant vintage dresses because they made me feel intoxicated just by putting them on.

A vintage dress reminds me of childhood summer holidays with my grandmother in rural Victoria, her old house full of dusty vintage treasures atop handmade lace doilies, her garden full of fruit and vegetables. I ache to revisit her simple life.

Rose and Bob Devanny

I have a tendency to remember the past better than it actually was, steeped in a rose-coloured Instagram filter. In reality, Don Draper probably smoked and drank himself to death in the 1980’s.

Music and smells can also trigger a bout of nostalgia because they are processed in the amygdala, the emotional part of the brain. Is this why I cry-sing to my old mixed tapes from university? I am transported back to skipping lectures and tricking cute art students into kissing me. And let’s not discuss how many times I have watched “The Sound of Music”.

I also have a tendency to hold on to things that make me feel melancholy; a box of photos and letters, an ultrasound of a baby not for this world. I am like a ghost haunting the sites of ancient traumas.

Sometimes nostalgia can trigger a bout of regret. It reminds us of something we have lost; a loved one, a dream or an opportunity. But regret can be a catalyst for change; it sends us a clue about what needs to change in our present.  We may not be able to change the past, but we can reclaim the spirit of what we have lost. I am in the process of reclaiming my own version of “the simple life”; my lifelong dream of living on a farm.

“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams” – John Barrymore.

With my vintage dress collection about to hit four digits, my unhealthy attachment to the past has begun to feel heavy. Many of my dresses no longer fit, which makes me sad. My post-baby body has changed.

“How the fuck did you manage to hoard 1000 vintage dresses?” ~ An excerpt from my future divorce papers.

I have decided to let go of everything that does not nourish me. Perhaps if I let go of what is behind me, I can better reach what is in front of me.

Vintage black Malia dress

Vintage 60′s cotton Malia dress

Over the next few months I will be selling some of my vintage dresses in our online store. These dresses are looking for a new adventure with someone special. Subscribe to the Kitsch List and we will deliver them straight to your email inbox.

If you see a girl twirling in her 1950’s dress today just let me do my thing okay.

 

Free pattern: Twiggy mod tuxedo dress

how to make a vintage mod Twiggy tuxedo dress

Transform an old plain dress into a cute mod-style dress by adding a simple doily bib.

I used a 90′s dress from my days as a corporate slave, but you can find a similar plain dress and a doily for a few dollars in your local charity store.

Doesn’t my model look adorable? I think she looks adorable (has anyone seen my adorable? I think I lost it about 20 years ago).

Why learn how to make a dress from scratch and put in a zip when it has already been done for you? This tutorial is about resourcefulness rather than resources.

This dress is also handy if your fallback career is “chambermaid”.

Twiggy mod tuxedo dress vintage 1960's

Twiggy

It was Twiggy who made the tuxedo dress popular in the 1960′s. I love Twiggy. I want to climb trees with Twiggy. But she’s a bit too skinny, I’d rather take a nap on Christina Hendrick’s bosom (sometimes I just type words into here, try not to read too much into them).

Lately eBay has learned of my penchant for 1960′s tuxedo dresses. I narrowly missed out at auction on this gorgeous vintage velvet dress by Velvet Cave on eBay UK:

Twiggy mod tuxedo dress Velvet Cave Vintage
Mod velvet tuxedo dress by Velvet Cave Vintage

Dear person who outbid me on eBay, I hope your guts fall out your bottom-hole before the dress arrives.

Nevermind, I made my own tuxedo dress in half an hour. Want to know how I did it?

Subscribe to The Kitsch List for exclusive access to this free tutorial and our library of free tutorials. Plus we will email you one new free tutorial each month. Enjoy!

Antique Lace Wedding Dresses and the F Word

Antique lace wedding maxi dress

White Magazine – Kitsch Bitsch antique lace wedding maxi dress

I adore this photo in White wedding magazine this month, not only because it is a Kitsch Bitsch dress, but because they have chosen a model with curves. We applaud you White!

We love brides in all different shapes and sizes. In fact most of our requests for custom wedding dresses are for larger sizes. We cater for ladies who feel ignored by many bridal stores. Ladies who email me and ask apologetically if we can make one of our antique lace dresses in “their size”. YES YES WE CAN! IN MY SHOUTY VOICE! Email me at alyssa@kitschbitsch.com.au for a quote.

Recently my 8 year old daughter used the dreaded F word to describe a curvy model in another magazine, “She looks a bit FAT”. I was stunned. I would rather she had used the other F word. It seems she has become so accustomed to seeing only size extra small women in magazines that to her, an Australian size 12 looks fat.

I want everyone who has contributed to the state of the fashion industry to sit in a corner and think about what they have done. Stop telling us how to get slim thighs. Maybe we don’t want slim thighs. MAYBE WE WANT LARGE, STRONG THIGHS WHICH CAN CRUSH BEER CANS AND MEN’S RIBCAGES.

Antique vintage cotton lace midi wedding dress custom made

Kitsch Bitsch antique lace midi wedding dress M $387.00

Almost every bride I measure, regardless of whether they are a size 8 or size 18, tell me of their desire to lose weight before their wedding day. This can make it difficult for us dressmakers, as we must alter the dress when the bride, with newly visible collarbones, turns up on our doorstep a week before their wedding.

Dear brides-to-be, please please eat what you want. Delete your calorie counting app on your iPhone. Enjoy your food. Let food nourish you rather than taste of guilt (I just ate a white chocolate macaroon in case you were wondering where that moaning noise was coming from). Have so much fun you don’t need to think about your weight. You are so much more than a number on a scale.

Lastly, some advice for the groom: My husband is out right now buying me wine and cheese in case you want to know how marriage works.

Custom made vintage antique lace wedding maxi dresses

Kitsch Bitsch custom-made antique lace wedding maxi dress

We can custom-make this lace dress in size 8 to 18. This dress is laced with history. Made from salvaged pieces of antique lace, each dress is unique, just like you. Some of the lace is handmade and over 100 years old. Email us for free lace samples.

 

Free tutorial: Crochet plastic bag belt

Plastic bag crochet belt

Despite my best efforts, my collection of plastic shopping bags seems to be slowly growing. I swear they are breeding under my sink. So I came up with the idea of crocheting them into a belt. I blame my doctor for not medicating me properly.

Perhaps you have a pile of plastic bags and you feel guilty throwing them into landfill. Perhaps you need a new belt and all your spare money has been earmarked for wine and contraception.

This crochet plastic bag belt uses up around 20 plastic bags, costs nothing and is a unique ‘trashion’ statement. You will need some basic crochet skills. Ask your Nana to help you.

So grab your crochet hook, put the kettle on and switch the channel to Downton Abbey. Because you and Nana know how to party.

Subscribe to The Kitsch List for exclusive access to this free tutorial and our library of free tutorials. Plus we will email you one new free tutorial each month. Enjoy!

Jane Birkin and that Crochet Dress

Lately I have been crushing on 1960′s singer and actress, Jane Birkin. One of my readers asked me to reproduce the crochet dress she was wearing in this famous photo:

Jane Birkin crochet lace dress Serge Gainsbourg

Jane Birkin with Serge Gainsbourg

 

Jane Birkin crochet lace dress

Kitsch Bitsch Jane Birkin-style crochet lace dress $237.00

We have one dress Jane Birkin-style crochet dress left in our store here. Or email me at alyssa@kitschbitsch.com.au for a custom-order.

 

Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsburg

The British-born Jane Birkin, met singer songwriter, Serge Gainsborough, in 1968 while filming the French movie, Slogan. It was the beginning of a passionate, 13-year romance. She was his muse, and together they made many films and albums, including the famous, sexually explicit song “Je t’aime… moi non plus.”

The heavy-breathing and groans at the end of this song were deemed offensive at the time, although they remind me more of the sounds I make trying to squeeze into my skinny jeans.

Warning: this song may make you ovulate early.

 

I read that Jane fell in love with Serge for his cerebral cortex. Born in France, of Russian parents, Serge was no doubt also a romantic, and promised to show her the world. (I know this because I fell for a Russian too.)

Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsburg with daughter

 

Emilio Pucci was inspired to create a version of Jane Birkin’s crochet dress. And Hermes created the “Birkin” bag for her.

Emilio Pucci Jane Birkin-style crochet dress Spring Summer 2011

Emilio Pucci crochet dress Spring Summer 2011 $1681

 

Jane Birkin was in Australia earlier this year, performing a collection of the late Serge Gainsbourg’s songs. At age 65, she is as beautiful as ever.

Jane Birkin

Dear Jane, I love you. I want to live in France and be part of your glamorous life. Will you please adopt me? I promise to stop sending you creepy anonymous messages on Twitter.

It’s just that you don’t return my calls. Except that one time when you replied, “Please stop stalking me you weirdo”. What does that even mean? You’re so cryptic. Maybe I should call to ask.

Nevermind, I have my own glamorous life here in Australia. For example last week I took my kids to Outback Steakhouse for dinner.

I’m too lazy to be a stalker anyway. You will have to come here. Bring cake.

 

 

Free tutorial: Crochet granny square skirt dress

crochet granny square skirt dress

By now you have probably noticed my semi-psychotic devotion to crochet. And my superpower for finding vintage fabrics and turning them into something new.

crochet granny square blankets

On a recent trip to my parent’s house (where you don’t need a time-machine to visit the 1970′s), I grabbed a pile of old granny square blankets. I have previously turned the smaller squares into jackets but I couldn’t think what to do with the larger squares. I decided to try making a 1970′s style hippie skirt. Because being weird doesn’t take a day off.

crocheted granny square skirt dress

You can find vintage granny square blankets in your local charity store or on eBay. I recently purchased a few blankets from Etsy. I’m not certain, but I may have also inadvertently purchased an aspiring model, with perky boobs and tattoos, for $18.00 US plus shipping. (Note to self: Do not purchase anything on Etsy after three glasses of wine.)

how to make a crocheted granny square blanket afghan skirt dress

Of course, if you are bored or incarcerated, you can crochet the entire square from scratch. Sometimes I hide in my wardrobe crocheting granny squares while my kids are busy killing each other.

crochet granny square dress skirt

So let’s make some hippie skirts together! Then we can braid each others armpit hair. Folk hymns shall be written about us.

Subscribe to The Kitsch List for exclusive access to this free tutorial and our library of free tutorials. Plus we will email you one new free tutorial each month. Enjoy!

5 steps to your bikini-ready body. Or not.

Vintage 60's cotton swimsuit bikini bathing suit romper

Vintage 60′s cotton swimsuit romper $127.00

Inside my inbox sit a bunch of emails from my gym:

“Get bikini-ready for summer”
“Countdown to summer: flat abs”
“Target your problem areas”
“5 steps to your bikini body”

And here I was thinking of going to the gym to get fit and healthy. Could somebody please email me a list of female body parts I am allowed to have?

With the help of a few demented women’s magazines, I have made a list of our ‘bothersome bits’ we are urged to consider before wearing a bikini:

Cellulite, thunder thighs, flat chest, muffin top, cankles, pubic hair, white skin, stretch marks, limp lifeless hair, saggy butt, camel toe, varicose veins, nipple slip, un-pedicured feet, lard arse, saggy tits, back fat, flabby arms, surprise tampon string, hip to waist ratio, armpit stubble, leakage.

Have I left out anything?

vintage swimsuit bikini competition contest black and white old photograph

Now that I am fat and old CAN WE PLEASE STOP FOCUSING ON YOUNG AND SKINNY? We can’t? Oh.

Luckily I have put together my own 5 steps for a bikini-ready body:

1. Rock back and forth in the fetal position (great cardio workout)
2. Dry-hump a stranger (great for your quads)
3. Get some flesh-eating bacteria (for fast weight loss)
4. Run away from your problems (for flawless legs)
5. Before looking in the mirror, wash down a Valium with 2 glasses of wine

If anyone needs me I’ll be in denial.

Marilyn Monroe vintage swimsuit bikini competition contest black and white old photograph